Residency began, and I slowly tried to settle down in the new life of a PG student

The 14th of July, 2020.

Residency began, and I slowly tried to settle down in the new life of a PG student. The dark monsoon clouds were looming overhead, and still life looked rosy and bright.

But there was something constantly poking in the attic of my mind.

After NEET 2020, after a few days of rest, I had begun to prepare for NIMHANS 2020, scheduled for March the 29th. The plan was to give one final serious attempt at the exam, and choose between that, or NEET. And so, I resumed studying, and all was going well, till March the 13th.

Two events happened that day:

The Who declared Covid-19 a pandemic,

and, immediately following the WHO’s decision,

the exam was also postponed indefinitely.

Now, without an exam date, and with the All-India counselling approaching fast, I still did whatever I could, and kept preparing.

March turned to May, and still no exam date.

I ultimately went ahead with the counselling process, and joined Anaesthesiology. Because that was the most logical way ahead, right.

If I really was able to get a seat in NIMHANS this time, I was ready to resign and pay the penalty amount.

And so, on July the 14th, I joined MD Anaesthesiology, and still kept studying for the exam. And a month later, the exam date came: September 30.

In the midst of dehydrating Covid duties and the enormous workload on a first year resident, I did what I possibly could.

October 9th, as I was lying on the bed after coming back from the night Covid ICU shift, the results came.

31 in DM Neurology, 28 in Mch Neurosurgery, and 21 in MD Psychiatry.

DM and Mch were out of the question, but MD Psychiatry was definitely feasible.

And in the midst of congratulatory messages from near and far, I got ready preparing myself to shift to NIMHANS.

And as the counselling dragged on till the end of November, I still was in hope of getting a call.

None came, and the second counselling ended with the last unreserved all India seat finishing at the rank of 15.

A rank I would have gotten if I had marked one more answer right. Just one more.

Ah, well, such is life, and I went on with my residency. A busy life, with new people all around.

But the feeling of something missing was slowly getting more overwhelming. Anaesthesiology is no doubt an amazing field, but I found myself constantly craving for neuroscience.

And as this itch kept growing by the end of December, as everything seemed so gloomy all around, I took a decision.

On January the 1st of 2021, I informed the department, that I am taking a leave to prepare again. The plan was to seriously take the NEET and the INICET, and if NIMHANS doesn’t work out to, take MD medicine in the same college.

And if all this doesn’t work out, I can always join back. With an extension, of course. A fairly calculated risk, in my view.

I did not tell about this decision to my parents. I told my brother, who wasn’t in agreement, but still said he would stand by me. And my best friend was always there.

So, a new journey began, and I gradually got back to preparation mode. After a gap comes, it is no doubt a challenge, but yes, in around 2 weeks, by the end of January, I was back in the game.

All was going on fine, and when the exams got postponed in April, I was actually relieved, because I felt I needed a little more time to revise.

As the pandemic was raging everywhere, I set myself upon the task ahead, and the fire burning my inside kept me going.

Till April the 25th.

Why? What happened that day?

On the morning of April the 25th, I got a call from Mom.

“Dad is showing symptoms.”

Both of them got tested that day, and Dad came positive.

63 and diabetic and hypertensive, ticking off all the high-risk boxes.

He isolated himself in the first floor of home, and I began his treatment regime, in consultation with my seniors and friends in Anaesthesiology and Critical Care.

On April 30th, brother called, saying Dad’s saturation has dropped to less than 92%.

This was the warning sign, and I instructed my brother to immediately admit him to the nearest hospital.

That afternoon, I took a cab from there to my hometown, and directly reached the hospital. The journey felt dreadful, and I couldn’t help myself run every worst-case-scenario possible.

Tears and tachycardia.

Reached the hospital late night. Dad felt relieved seeing me.

And then me and my brother took turns taking care of him.

He was on NRBM, and the saturation wasn’t pickin up above 92 at all, but atleast it wasn’t going down, so we waited, and watched with anticipation.

Being a lifelong swimmer probably helped, and he slowly started to recover, and a sense of relief set in.

My brother and I, though physically and mentally exhausted, were still cheerful looking at his recovery.

And everything changed on May the 5th.

As I was watching all the horror take place all over the country on Twitter, I get a call from my brother from home.

“Mom’s saturation has dropped to below 93.”

You see, when Dad got admitted on April 30th, that day we got Mom too tested. RAT positive, with mild symptoms. An RT-PCR was sent, and it ultimately came positive two days later.

She was being monitored and treated right since then, but on May the 5th, everything changed.

I shall talk about Mom’s course of illness in a separate post later, but for now, suffice it to say that

after 27 days of ICU stay, with the last 5 days intubated, Mom left us on June the 3rd.

How life changes in a matter of weeks.

Watching her life-less, her 2 little boys holding her hands could not readily come to terms with losing their pillar of life.

Mom fought hard, her lungs couldn’t.

She was a strong woman, but she could never tolerate enough of heat and sun. We laid her to rest in the shade of a tree, very near to her father.

Imagine returning to an empty home. Empty of the light of our lives. But that’s what the reality was, and what choice did we have but to accept…

She left us at 59. 6 months before her retirement as a government teacher after 32 years of service.

59 is not the age to go.

To go to sleep that night after a month of physical and mental agony of watching her suffer, and to wake up the next day, when reality slowly kicks in…

The mind employed every defence mechanism it could to face this psychological trauma, from suppression to even humour. Nothing works well in these trying times.

As days passed by, it was slowly time to get back to our lives. The aftermath of a storm leaves a trail of destruction, and there was a lot to be repaired.

In the midst of all this, I gave a good thought to everything, and asked myself, “What would Maam have preferred me doing?”

The answer was clear.

Therefore, in the present circumstances, I thought it is only better that I join back, and continue my MD, and move on with life.

It was a heavy decision, no doubt, as now there would not be any looking back. But when you go through an irreplaceable loss, everything else in life is put in perspective.

I called the department, and told them I would be joining back. They said I ll be getting an extension of 6 months. I said I am fine with it.

And July the 5th, I resumed my duties.

How do I feel now, about resuming my residency?

A reluctantly arranged marriage. Still trying to love it, but I ll be okay. Let it take time.

The last 2 months were hectic, and I am slowly getting back to the groove re-learning everything that I had left six months ago.

And since I had already applied, I took the NEET exam too, 2 weeks ago, just for the sake of taking it. Felt like it would have been a success if things were different. An enormous success, it would have been.

But that’s fine. I am fine.

There are many aspects to life, people. Academic success is important, but not the only important entity in life. My saying this sounds hypocritical, I know, but why not spread sagely advice when you have an audience listening…

The therapeutic endpoint of life is good health, both physical and mental, and whatever you do, please make sure it aligns with this goal. My journey all these years has been to realise this form of health by achieving something high academically, but the reality is, you can still reach there by realising other goals too.

Like getting fit, or pursuing a hobby, or falling in love with someone you want to laugh your whole life away with.

The Earth is anyway going to get destroyed in a supernova expansion of the Sun in a billion years or so. And we think our short stay here is something to be taken so seriously.

Struggle hard, but don’t lose yourself too much.

And if you are really passionate about achieving something academic, as I was all these years, give everything you can, with an absolute sense of purpose.

Over the course of all these years, taking exams is the only thing that I have known. Add every PG entrance exam that I was eligible to take from Nov 2012, till now, and it easily adds up to a huge number. Just to get a rough picture, it was the tenth AIIMS/INICET I took this July.

What does attempting MCQs all these years teach you?

That in life, it is not always about finding the right answer… It is mostly about eliminating the wrong options, and going ahead with whatever we have remaining with us.

As whatever remains or we are left with, would be the right answer, if not for someone else or even for the whole world, but atleast for you.

I had been using this account since the last four years, after deactivating my original one. I named it Santiago Ramon y Cajal, after the famous neuroscientist who discovered the neuron and debunked the prevalent theory of signal transmission of his era. An inspiration to look up to.

Enough of living under a shell now. It is time to come out.

My name is Shaaz. I am doing my MD in Anaesthesiology from Bangalore Medical College.

I ll probably share my Facebook ID with you all here in a subsequent post. For now, these are my online addresses elsewhere.

https://www.instagram.com/themultiplyingneuron/

https://twitter.com/neuronsmultiply?s=08

https://www.quora.com/profile/Shaaz-A-Khan?ch=3…

Thank you all for your warm messages since the past one day. I wish the best in all your endeavours and would love to hear about your happy stories. And even sad ones, too.

Because, truth be told, failure is the secret to success.

I am not going anywhere. Will try to be as active as I can, here, from now on.

So, what creature in nature, or in the supernatural realm, do you wish to emulate in your journey?

Usually when we talk about fighting, or going to war, we tend to relate the feeling to something seemingly ferocious, like a lion, or a wolf, or even a dragon.

But the best avatar you can assume in this phase is not of a lion hunting, or of a dragon soaring over the skies towards the summit.

Be a duck.

Look calm and silent from above the water, but inside, keep constantly paddling. Take a dip once in a while, to refresh yourself. And re-emerge, with full of life and zeal, and resume paddling again.

So, be a duck.

Don’t be a dick.

Thank you.

Part 2/2.

I was waiting for the part 2 with a thought of listening a struggle craved into success…

.

After reading part 2…

I felt this is the best thing i came across these many years in this group…

You truly are the born fighter…u proved survival of the fittest…

As u said a succesful failure…nd i love that easy but ur multiplying neuron is already successful in transmitting the impulse in all of us.

Beautifully executed life events with ur pen.

Waiting fr the next part of ur journey with ur mom

The mother of a duck ❤

We love u😍

This was by far, Most Motivating Post I’ve ever Read🤞

Thank You For sharing it, It Shows True Reality of Life